Lucky we're once in love.
This might not be the ending i hoped for.
But i guess it'll really be the ending for us.
Typing in right here now,not all might notice,but maybe its much better.
My greatest joy,yet the greatest sorrow.

Took me soooo long to type every single word down.
So many things to say,yet so hard to voice out.
What am i suppose to do?
How can i forget you?
How can i just move on so easily?
Why am i so stupid?
Where am i suppose to stand up from?
Who can i look for?
When can i stand my own two feet???

Sobbing alone doesn't help. It really don't.
The only time when i can get myself distracted is when i'm out with my friends.
If not,memories are just gonna come back all the time.
Oh god, please erase all the past from my memories.
At least i need not suffer so badly right now.
Is it alright to just cry in front of people?
Thought i was strong enough after so many r/s i was in from the past.
But i ain't not.
Was acting strong all along.
I'm just not.

Now i know,i'm nothing.
But just a weakling who acts strong.
i need a shoulder to cry on. i really do............

Guys are all liars..
And that includes you..
You said she was the one who changed your status in facebook..you think i believe??
C'mon..i'm no longer a three year old girl anymore..
I may be stupid..but just to a certain extent..
Don't lie to me as though i wouldn't know anything..
I read your hp msg before..she said "i love you" and you even replied "i love you Dear"..
Why the fuck should i still bother till now???
One and only possible reason is because i still loves you..
But time and time again..this is how you treat me,how you lie to me..
I might act as though i know shit..
But as a matter of fact,i know a lot..
Just that i prefer to keep everything to myself and act as though i know no shit..

I'm tired..tired with all the crap that you're giving..
I had enough problems already..
Don't wish to add more prob for now..
W H A T E V E R

Its all a lie..
Saying you misses me..
Saying you love me..
Saying how much you wanted to meet me..
Saying how much you wants you go out with me..
It was never true from the start..
Yet time and time again..i fell for your lovely trap..

And time and time again..i'm hurt..
Not just physically hurt..but emotionally as well..
Its just gonna leave a scar yet once again..just like how Jo did to me..
Cant get myself to believe in love again..
Its all fake..
Never was it once true..

You manage to give me glimpse of hope all the time..
But this is how you just smashed it..
All gone..
There are no words to describe how i'm feeling now..
Only tears to explain how depressed i am..
I Love You..yet,I Hate You..
To add on..I Hate Myself for Loving someone like you..

Benny Chow..you once made my life the most memorable one..
Now..you made my life the most miserable one..
You're just so great at your words that i cant get myself to be hard hearted..
For once..i really hope that its either you or me disappear from where we are today..
Because i cant assure that my heart is that strong to take so many blows from you all the time..
Please stop trying to sweet talk or pamper me..
Because i don't want to make the same mistake again..
And gets everyone worrying about me..

I just want to love my life like never before..
I just want to cherish each and every moment with all my friends..
I just want to live my life day by day without tearing..
I just want to be Happy..
Is it all so hard to ask for???

I'm seriously going to suffer from emotional breakdown soon..
Have no idea whats on my mind..
Am i thinking too much???
Or are there people hiding things from me???
My life is so screwed up that i wish i could just hide in my fantasy world..
Reality is so cruel to me..
Have been crying almost everday..
Hoping that things could turn out better..
But once it became better..something else will happen to bring me all the way down again..
Makes me feel so hopeless and i'm totally clueless about what the hell is happening right now..
Am i really that naive that i cant even get whats happening???
I'm able to help my friends with all the toubles they are in..but i cant seem to help myself..
I can only see myself as though i'm dropping in a bottomless pit where i'm not getting anywhere else..

For once..i feel like giving up..
Giving up everything that i once have..
Feel like losing my memories..
SO that i need not get troubled or cry anymore..
The route is just right in front of me..
Yet so unclear..
No matter how much i try to look..
No matter how much i try..
I just cant find the way out..
Because i'm already stuck in the middle of nowhere and there is no exit at all..

I'm in such a dilemna..hoping that someone could just give me a piece of advice..
sigh...sob.. :'(

I dunno what i'm thinking anymore..
You told me that you're no longer contacting her..
But what i heard from her is that you actually told her to call you..at 4AM!!!
That was when i'm asleep..
You're doing this to Qi,how would i know if you're doing the same thing back to me like how you're doing to her..
Sob..
I'm losing all confidence..losing all hopes..losing my sense of security..everything..
The only thing that hasn't been lost is my feelings towards you..
Can someone just tell me what to do..
Other then giving up or giving in..can i have any other possible solutions???
Sob..

Gosh..in one hour ++ i'll be starting my fyp oral defence already..
Scared..that i wont be able to do well..
Kly,Wanjun,Jan,etc...
How i wish you were here right now..coz i'm so fucking scared..
sigh..
Reached school at 9.30am just now..
But none of my team members were here..
Sittin all alone in the canteen rotting until 10am..
Headed to library and continued to rot..
Was told to meet at 10am..but all were late..
If i knew it would be like that,i wouldn't even get my ass up so early..
Freaking tired now..eyes closing..but have to force myself awake..
Today is gonna be a long day though..
After fyp oral defence..i had to head home,put my stuff down and go out again..meeting my colleagues..
After that..still gotta meet my ex at night..though i'm still not sure whether we are going to meet up or not..
Alright..shall just update till here..continue later..gotta prepare for fyp oral defence alr..

I manage to put the past behind me..
Looked forward..and as kly said..we are still friends..
THought this over for some time..
And i feel that it really does makes sense..
Why do i have to affect my friendship just because of a guy..
It was my mistake..my mistake that i didn't know how to prioritize my things..
Now that everything is back to normal again..i really hope that friendships do last..
Argh..gastric again..
My appetite has been weird nowadays..
I've already ate a lot..but i'm still getting gastric frequently..
Its so pain..it really does..
:'(

Can someone just tell me what should i do now?
I really want to hold on to him and i've been telling myself not to give up because i still loves him..
Then again..i'm getting tired..
Seems like no matter what i do..i just cant seem to catch hold of him..
I dunno how he feels..but this is what i feel..
Maybe i'm just scared of losing him again..thats why i really don't dare to put in my heart again..
For once..i hope i can just keep all the love for him deep down..
I rather keep this wonderful memories in my heart than to get myself disappointed again..
What is a month plus of relationship compared to a relationship that lasted for three years???
I'm getting so discourage everyday seeing my friends getting all sorts of relationship problem..
I'm just afraid that i'll end up in the same situation as them..
How? i really dun wish to lose him..but i do not have the courage to voice it out..
I'm just so stupid,ain't i??? :(

He's booking out today..but the person he look for ain't me..
Its her..
Sigh..i've no idea whether i should be happy or sad..
Happy that he's gonna come find me tmr night..sad that i'm not the girl he look for when he first book out..sad that i'm not the one to send him in..sad that i wont be the one fetching him out of camp..
SAD..of all things SAD..
My life is so screwed up..

Sigh..
Why is this like that again?
She called you to help her..
And you did..
Didn't even consider how i feel and you expect me to put myself in her shoes..
Why do i have to give in to you time and time again when i don't want to??
Why do i have to do things that i don't wish to?
Why is everyone so unfair to me..
For once i hope that you could understand how i feel..but i was extremely wrong about you..
It was just me being purely naive to think that you will understand me well..
Sob..
It was only when i cried again den you apologise..
At first i have to give in to you because of Qi..which is a big stab in my heart already..
Now Jan msg you for help..and there goes Cheryl,who has to give in again to talk to Jan when she doesn't wants to..
WTF is wrong with everyone?
Who will be the next person for me to give in to again?
I cant think anymore..i'm tired,exhausted, or whatever word that can describe how i feel right now..
sigh..signing off.......

First of all..Happy 1st year anniversary to Kly and An!!!
haha..it was so funny luh..
i had to actually lie to kly that i meeting her..
and make it sounds as though its so REAL..
but i manage to scrape it through!!! phew..and it was a successfull one..lol..
anyway..sorry kly..that i've lied to you for the first time..
but it was meant to be a surprise for you..hope you love that.. :)

secondly..is to my lovely Loh Wan Jun!!!
Congrats to you too!!!
120110 is the date when you and him got together..
and KAI BIN!!! you better treat her well ok? she's just like a sister to me..
i dun wan to see her hurt again wor..
if not i'll bite your flesh out..haha..
hope both of you can last long long!!!!
just like eileen and anthony..who are still in their honeymoon period..lol..

That goes the same to An!!! if you make kly sad again..i make sure i'll bite you too!! lol!!!

Hmm..now its all about me..haha..oh well..called benny just now..
chatted with him for quite some time..
though i didn't see you at all these one week plus..hearing your voice is just as contented..
hearing you calling me darling..and saying you gonna bring me out..
my heart really melt..
even if it means that you still have qiu qi placed first in your heart..
i'm still contented with what i have now..
because its something that i cant ask for more..
all i hope is to spend my sat night with you..
even if its one last time..
i just wanna cherish each and every moment with you right now..
i cant predict our future..
but present is the most important thing that is in my heart..
:) you made my day,finally. after all those tears and sorrows..
thank you benny..i love you! <3

my mind is so empty right now..dunno wat to think of except to miss you truck loads..

Had a long msg with you last night..
Finally,i manage to voice out all my thoughts to you..
And again,me being stupid and soft hearted,i gave in again..
But the one thing that made me felt glad was when you assured that i'll never cry again..
The way you msg me..was really sweet and concerning..
But in reality when i meet you again,i'm not sure whether it'll still be the same..
I'm so lost,yet at the same time missing you so badly..
Told my friends i'll forget about you entirely..
Unfortunately,it wasn't something that i could force myself to do..
Why? Each and everytime when i told myself not to think about you,i'm not able to do it..
And whatever i do or wherever i go,everything and anything will make me think about you..
AM i really so into you?
Sigh..
Just wanna say..i miss you..i really do..

oh gosh..
i'm having my gastric again!!!
its really killing me..
very pain!!!
no more pills for me to eat..
made hot chocolate to drink..hope it helps..
argh!!!!

Everything that i do now i've to consider about you and her..
Even my blog right now,something that is so personal..
The only place i could rely on to voice out my emotions and comments..
As stated "PRIVATE EMOTIONS"
Now,i even have restrictions when i blog..
ALWAYS about YOU and HER..
Have you ever considered how i feel?
I'm a human and i have my own feelings too..
I'm not made of stone..
But just because of all those things that i've to think of,i cant do anything freely..
Sigh..Guess my life is worst than anyone else right now..

I don't mind not letting her know about us..
I don't mind you going out with her..
I don't mind doing everything secretly..
But what have i got in the end..NOTHING..
I kept everything about you and me under wrap..
Even my status with you..

You know,sometimes i feel that i'm worst than a mistress..
At least mistress has her status announced..but i don't..
All these..i don't even mind..
Even when i don't like to share my bf..i said nothing at all..
But one thing that makes me so sad..is because i feel as though i'm someone just to accompany you when she's not by your side..
I don't want to be just a substitute when she's not around..
If this is so..i rather force myself with whatever ways i can think of,just to forget you and not to love you entirely..
Because i feel so cheap..like a used tissue being thrown away..

I might get drunk in club..
People might mistaken me..
But the very last person i hope to mistaken me is you..
Get what i mean?
What other people do out there is one thing..
What i do out there is the main thing..
I can swear with all my guts that i've never cheated on you before..
I wont deny that there are a lot of guys out there trying to woo me..
But i've ever accepted anyone of them..
Friends are calling me to give other people a chance..
But i rejected..and stupidly waiting for you right here..
Because i really hope to have you by my side again..
:'(

You said you missed me..i hope its really true..
You said you will look for me when you book out..i also hope its really true..
But time and time again when you get my hopes up high..you shattered each and everyone of them one by one..
Now..i've totally lost confidence in myself..
I don't know what i can achieve anymore..
I'm scared..i'm really scared..do you know??

went to benny's place this morning..
met his mum..
really love him mum to the max..how i wish my mum was like his..
so concern..concern about my health and all..
for once..when i went back to benny's place..
his room..still smell of him..
as though he's there,though not physically..
now i really know how much i actually do miss him..
his family and three lil Cs are really lovable..all of them..all of them gave me warmth..
its really nice being with them..
better than my own family..

sigh..nowadays i've been quarreling with parents..
so irritating..that i dun wish to go home at all..
gave different excuses to them so that i need not go back home..
its so much happier outside than home..
sigh..how i wish i can go back to my life a month ago.. :(

oh well..
today is finally considered a day i've actually smiled..
first is because fyp has finally been submitted after such a stressful time..
another thing is because i chatted with benny today again..
though its just a short talk before we ended our conversation..he suddenly became nice and concern towards me..
i've no idea..but even if its just to entertain me..i'm still happy..
rather than acting that i'm happy when i'm not..
oh my..i'm tired alr..gtg..shall continue when i'm awake..goodnight..and sweetdreams EVERYONE!!!

you finally called me at 4 plus today..was really glad that i can finally hear your voice..
i'm not sure if i really mistaken you or not..i hope it was just some misunderstanding..
right now..
i dunno whether to hate or love you..
it just feels so much complicated..how i wish things was much easier to be understood and solved..
but it just ain't like that..
sigh..
nvm..its alright..i alr said i will disappear away from your side..so ya..decision made!
no matter how much i misses you..i will keep myself away from you..
in this way..you will not quarrel with qiu qi anymore..
its heartbreaking for me..
but i have to do so..
and it might sound silly for me to do so..but i alr am stupid..thats why..
benny oh benny..how i wish things never happened before..
then i wouldn't be so hurt right now..
i hate myself..
to fall so deep into this relationship..will try using these two weeks to forget about you entirely..
and hope i can really do that..
sigh..

i didn't get to hear your voice one last time before you enter army..
didn't even call me..
disappointed..
but oh well..shall take this time to try forgetting you..
and hopefully i can be able to do that..

hope you're still doin fine in army..
it might be tough..but i'm confident that you'll be able to handle all the hardships..
because you are you..
my presence might not mean anything to you right now..but to me..you're once my everything..
at least i once loved you..

right now..its no longer about me and you..
but you and qiu qi..
bless you both then..
if you ever need anyone to talk to..just remember i'll always be available to you 24/7..

in the past..most of my days were spent with you..
but right now..most of the time is with all my friends..
its so diff..
but life gotta change somehow and i have to adapt to the changes no matter what..
sigh..
我心中还是忘不了你，好痛心你知道吗？

thanks to those people whom have been there for me all these while..
i'm really grateful to have you people by my side..esp when i'm crying so badly..and drinkin like there's no tomorrow..
oh well..school is startin and i promise to start my life anew..
no benny anymore..
now its about me,myself and future..
i wont deny its hard to forget him..
but its a fact that i have..
people..give me more time..i promise i will never tear again..
no more drunkard..no more tears..
just laughter that comes out from that lil cheryl you people get to see everyday,alright?

sigh..once again..
i'm left with a broken heart back home..
that one particular msg that you sent to me..
its like throwing the biggest bomb on earth straigh to my heart..
telling me not to contact you anymore..
sigh..
i was just being nice..
wanted to talk to qi for your sake...
but in the end..just because you ain't in a good mood..
you just raised your voice at me..
what the hell have i done wrong..
all i wanted is to hear your voice again..
now,not only did i not get to talk to you..you even raised your voice at me just because you were angry with qi..
its not fair..so not fair at all..
i didn't do anything to upset you these few days..and yet..this was what i got..
sob..
i'm so dumb..
so stupid..
frankly speaking..do i even stand that 1% in your heart at all since the first day till we've ended..
i even made smth for you before you go into army..
but you just shattered my heart like this..
no sorry..no nothing..not even a goodbye..
but a msg to tell me not to contact you anymore..
you're just too much..totally..
you ain't even concern about me at all..
and thats the thing that hurts me so bad..
sob..
for now and in future..do not ever contact me again..
since thats what you want all along..
i shall fulfil your lil wish..
and..enjoy your rest of the life with qiu qi..
goodbye.. :'(

It has come to the end of the year 2009 and a new start in 2010..
I'm trying my best to forget everything that happens in 2009..
All the sadness..
Trying hard..
And hopefully i can get my both feets up for the upcoming 2010 days..

Finally..i send you the msg that i had to..
Told all my friends i've put a load off my mind and heart..
Was back to myself for the whole of last night showing how happy i was when i wasn't..
But in the end..they manage to see that i wasn't myself at all..
And that was because i drank..
Wat made things worst wasn't about me getting drunk..
But the fact that i fell somehow and hit my head..
Till now..its still giving me headache and its swollen..
Didn't dare to tell mum & dad..
So i just kept quiet all the way..
Now..i can only sleep sideways towards my left so that i'll not press on to my head injury..
Its really pain..

Oh well..other than the pain..there were also sweet memories..
Spent my night with him on the 30th to 31st..
Though it was just barely a few hours..at least i manage to have him by my side..
It shall be the very last thing that will be kept in my heart..
Because i know that it is all over..no turning back..
Even if there is..you will still make the same decision by chosing her over me..
And there's nothing much i could do as both of you has been together for three years..
For as much as i know..she still has a biggest place in your heart..
No matter how much i hope for your return..it'll only be my wishful thinking..
Sigh..

I'm dead tired now..
Goodnight..and......to you too...

Its all over..28th dec 2009..
I didn't mean to lie to you once again..
And this was just the second time..unlike what you thought..
Was really drunk the whole night but you didn't believe me..
Said i broke your trust again..
Sigh..thought we could last longer..
Didn't know it ended so soon..unexpected..

Time passes so fast..and our second month is just right ahead..
Now that you're going in army..i still hope to spent that last week of yours with you..
But all hopes are smash..
All my fault..hate it..
Why am i so stupid..
Drink,drank and DRUNK!!!
Just because i'm sad nowadays..i ended up resorting to drinking all the time..
So not me..
Thought by doing so..it can numb myself..
And yes,drinking did make me numb myself..temporary ONLY..
Worst of all..
Just because i wanted to drink so badly,i lied to my boy..
And now he is literally ignoring me..

Oh well..only Jan and Kly is by my side now..
Then again..they have yet to settle their own problems..
So i cant always lean on their shoulder to cry..
Sigh..who can i look for to pour out all my problems at one go now..
I feel so much restless..energy is drainin out entirely..
Haven get enough rest at all..
Went to look for you yesterday morning..in the end it had to end up in a cold war..

And what makes me feel even worst..
Is when you asked me to pack my stuff and leave..
How do i tell you that i don't want to..
This time i wont deny its my fault..
But i really dont wish for all these to happen..
The very first time when you said the same thing..i cried..
Now you said it once again..
And this time is for real..
But i cant defend myself anymore..told you last night that one more time you mention the word "break up"..i'll not think twice..
As i've said..its my fault..so i'll just have to bear the consequences..and for that..i accept it..
Just hope that you'll accept me back once again..

But for now..i'll just leave you alone to cool down..
I'm sorry..really am..

my christmas night doesn't seem to be a christmas night at all..
sigh..full of shit..
i hate it.
and you..happily enjoying with your friends..
didn't even bother to msg me..
who the hell am i to you..

I don't know why..but feel as though we're drifting further apart..
In the first place..where do i even stand in your heart?
Is there even any single part ofyour heart that has me..
Whats the point? :'(
Where were you when i needed you?
Where were you when i got hurt so badly..

You don't understand me at all..
I didn't make you angry or worried about me purposely..
But just simply because i've more than enough problems..
And i needed you so badly..yet you were always too busy to be with me..
If my presence or absence to you right now doens't even matter..just tell me..

Its been so long since our last meet up..
Guess you wont even be bothered any single bit whether i'm injured or not..
I might sounded fierce through the phone or rude through msg..
But i just don't want you to take me for granted..

Though i did mention before that i wont mind you going out with her..
You don't have to go out with her a couple of times right?
Movies,clubs,etc..
Have you ever put yourself in my shoe to think it through?
What if i went out with my ex..
Sigh..whats the point of saying this right now..
Not as though it'll make any difference out of it..
Forget it..its just a matter of time when i'll lose you..
It might hurts..but i suppose no guys will ever treasure someone who treasured them.. :(

PP presentation is finally over already..

Life has always been so f***ed up..
No matter how hard you try..
Somehow or rather it'll never be perfect to the ones you loved..
Thats how sad life can be..
And i'm so effing tired about it..

Work..School..Relationship..
Its really tiring having to manage all at one go..
And i have to know how to prioritize all three..
Sometimes i do feel like giving up..
But i know i cant..
Life as to go on..whether there are many ups and down..
Just have to fake a smile and no one will ever notice..
Sigh..

Alright..gtg..accompanying my bf..he's waiting for me..
Sigh..ciaoz..

I seriously have no idea whats true to me anymore..
Just basically taking a step at a time..
Feeling more disappointed now and then..
Getting quieter as days passed..

But i'm still trying..
Trying my best to smile my way through..
So that people will not know how i actually feel..
I love you too much..that it only makes me feel down all the time..
If you ever want to let me go..please tell me..
I just hope that it wont happen..

My heart is like a bottle now..
And its going to overflow anytime..
Why? Why am i so scared all the time?
I'm trying my best to be the best compared to the past..
I just wanna be loved..
But it just hurts..
Sobz...........

Does our first month anniversary mean nothing to you?
Do you know that i'm waiting for the msg from you since evening..
Even if its an advanced wishes..at least its better than nothing..
But no..i waited in vain..
I Cried..cried badly..
Thinking thoroughly whether i mean anything to you since the first day till now..
I might have broke your trust that day in the club..
But i'm trying to improve myself in anyway that i could..
Just wanna gain back your trust in me..
But trust wont mean anything if i dun mean anything to you..get wat i mean?
I promised and sweared that i wont do anything wrong to break your trust again..
And i did mark my words till now..
I didn't break my promise at all..
Sigh..
No matter what i say right now its all useless..
Because this is only a blog to express how i feel..
Its not as though you'll know about it after i post it here..
Sob.......

Why do i always feel so insecure??
Even when you're lying down just beside me..
And when you're away from me to a place cant even see you..i just feel as though you'll leave me like this one day..

How can i ever tell you how i feel??
That the only time i felt at ease was when you're deep asleep..
Maybe i fell too deep into this relationship..
Maybe i just feel inferior..that i cant even be compared to someone else..
I'm not sure how long i can keep you by my side..
But i just don't wish to hold on to tight to you..
Afraid that it might only keep you away from me..

Sometimes its not that i'm not interested in what you're doing..
It is also not that i don't care about you a single bit..
But i just don't want to end up getting jealous time and time again..
Getting disappointed and sad all the time..
That is why i rather keep all the questions to myself that ask you..
Because i don't want to feel as though i'm just nothing to you..
Get what i mean??

Spent the rest of my days with my sis..thanks for making my day..

Life's always unpredictable..

Grandpa..

I thought it would be a happy ending like how most fairytales are like..
But i was wrong..
In other words,stupid and naive to think this way..
Each and everytime when i'm really into a guy..
It always end up in a miserable way..
Just like Jo's incident..
I'm so afraid that it might happen again..
But history somehow repeats itself..

Its painful..
And it reminds me of Jo's incident..
When i used to be so into him..
But i ended up getting hurt like f***..
For someone that i love so much..sigh..
Cried for a very long period of time..
Seems like wat has happened once is gonna happen yet once again..

Those guys who love me,i never cherish them..
But those whom i love so much,never did love me for long..

People keep telling me that love is like a fairytale..
But i beg to differ..
Its just so a lie to make someone feel better..
Because there is always no such thing as a "fairytale" ending..
And i was still so naive to believe everything in fairytales..
How stupid can i be?

I hate myself for loving him so deep..
Though there are actually times that i felt was really sweet..
Shouldn't have put my whole heart into the relationship in the first place..

Now i've learnt something new..
And thats....
"Love hurts"
Trust me..it really does..

But now..all i can do is only to cry secretly in my room..
Which is wat i always do most of the time these days..
Sob..now i hate my life.........

to let go or to hold on to??

Mid point presentation is finally over..

No work..no money...
But i LOVE MY LIFE NOW!!! :D

Have been to other restaurants and other places to work..
Basically for a new environment..
And i notice that things have changed a lot throughout these years..
While i'm stupidly still slogging my life out in M.M..

M.M have changed a lot as well..
In fact..not in a good way..but otherwise..
Good captains and managers have left..
All M.M left is just an empty shell right now..

Went to a chinese Seafood restaurant to work this monday..
It was my first day of work..
Though i'm totally unfamiliar with everyone there..
They were all very nice towards me..
The way they welcome me and taught me everything..
It is just so much better than what i'm facing in M.M right now..

Sigh..different places have been asking me to go over to their place to work..
I'm kinda stuck at where to go and i have no idea where i should decide to stay on..
Its really a headache..
How i wish i can have someone here to tell me where to settle down in..
And right now in today's society..
I cant believe that people actually backstab one another..
Its just so irritating..
I don't noe who i cant really listen to or confide in..
Maybe its just reality..
How i wish that everything is juat a dream and i can just wake up from this nightmare..

Grandpa..how i wish you were here to give me advice........
Much misses......

Daddy has been pressurizing me to get good grades..
So that i can private degree in Hotel Management..
Just because my sis had 5 A's in her exam,does that means that i have to get the same thing like her?
Everyone is diff..and it goes the same to me..
I'm not perfect and i cant comply to wat you wan..

And the fact that you keep stressing me up..
Now i really wanna drop school..

Another sigh again for me.........................

It has been almost three weeks since grandpa passed away..
Many things have changed..Drastically..
Grandma's health went down,and she is not as clear minded like before..
Maid has been given to another owner..
Which means grandma will have to take care of herself from now onwards..


Looking at her health and all,i really cant make myself to go anywhere without worrying about her..
Worst of all,conflicts happened at home..my aunt has been quarreling with grandma..
And as usual, money problems..
Everyone has been talking about assets..
I mean..why is people all so realistic..
Cant we just think about the elderly?
Is money more important than anything else?

Sigh..today is three weeks since grandpa passed away..and i'm supposed to be there to burn incense for him..but i cant because i have school..
Oh grandpa..i wonder where you are right now..
Everyone misses you..
Esp me..there are many things i wanna talk to you about..
Many places that i wanna go with you and grandma..
Why did you leave us so fast..
:(
......................................................................

Grandpa is finally gone..on the 10/10/09 6.15am..
And i'm back to square one..with the same routine everyday..
Every morning wake up,wash up and head to school..
It has been the same old thing for the past two and a half year..
But there's something different to it..
And that is,every Sunday use to be able to see grandpa when i went over to grandma's place..
Now,its so much diff..Without his constand cursing and swearing at everyone..everythings seems so unusual,so quiet..
Compared with the past,i rather stay in the past than now..

Currently,anything and everything is so fucked up..
More problems arises..
But i kept it all to myself..
Its so hard to tell anyone,because none are in my shoes..
And i hate the feeling when i've so many problems bottled up in my heart..
As though the bottle might break anytime..

I'm so not me..so not original..
I look happy all the time..but am i really that happy or am i just trying to find ways to cover up my sorrow? I dunno...

Sigh.......

I wish i could just be like a sleeping beauty and sleep for a whole day..at least for a day..
But i don't even seem to have the time to rest for a min..
Have been waking up in the middle of the night for the past few days when grandma called me to tell me about grandpa..
And i have to cab down all the way just to see how things are..
I wish i can stay over at grandma's place so that i do not have to travel to and fro everyday..but mummy just doesn't allow..
Its tiring to repeat the same old routine almost everyday..but for the sake of someone who is so important to me..its really worth it..

And finally,i'm back to school again..
Felt so much better with all my friends support..
Its been so long since i had hugs..
And its really comforting..

Now..i wish that nothing has ever happened and i'm in school concentrating in class..
But my mind is still full of thoughts while i'm in class..cant take my mind off grandpa for a minute..
Sigh..

I know it might sound cruel..but i really hope he can leave real soon..
Because each and everyday seems to be a torture for him..
Leaving us is just a relief for him and grandma..
Grandma's health has been affected as well because of grandpa..
And i dun wish anything happen to her as well..
I'm already gonna lose grandpa,i cant lose grandma as well..

Alright..gotta go back to work soon..
Hasn't been talking much in class..
Gotta do more work,if not my grades will be affected badly..and today is only the first day of school..sigh..
Bye...........

Seeing grandpa's health deteriorating each and everyday makes my heart heavier as well..
The way he look..his skin texture..the way he talks..each and every action that he makes..is telling me something..
And that is his remaining days are almost over..
20 years..
20 years of having him by my side..
When i'm afraid of darkness..
All the way till who i am today..
He's always there to protect me..
Grandpa might not be a good husband nor father..
But he is the best grandpa i ever had in my entire life..

Right now..he couldn't even open up his eyes for a minute..
It seems so difficult for him just to open up his eyes to take a look at me..
And what make things worst is..he cant even take in any drink,not to even say food..
He is very hungry..But whenever he had food intake..it just comes out from his nose..which makes it so painful for him..
In the end..he did not take in any liquids at all..
Up till now..its been more than a week since he had any food or water..
Grandpa is trying so hard to live longer..just to see us everyday..
He is fighting so hard for his life..

And yet..healthy people like us took everything for granted..
I did not cherish him when he was still healthy..
Only when he is in this condition that i knew how important he actually is to me..
But too late...time is taking his life away each and every second,just like how the water is flowing down the river..
I wish i could turn back time..or even just freeze the time for now..
So that i can spend ample time with him before he leaves..

So what? So what if people say that there are foul smell from him?
So what if he has fungus on him?
So what if his body is no longer functioning?
So what if it is troublesome to take care of him..
He is still my grandpa..
And he will live on in my heart no matter where he is..

I'm gonna stop working..and stop training temporary..i know i'm gonna regret my decision for giving up the chance of going Nationals..
I know i'm gonna disappoint myself totally..
This is not what i want as well..
But i hardly get any rest at all..
I've totally lost my appetite..and i'm really tired..
Its not easy to stay strong..
Its not easy to hold back my tears..
And its even harder to fake a smile or laughter in front of everyone..
I'm trying my best to be a strong girl..i really am..but sometimes i just cant help but breaking down to tears..
Just cant accept that grandpa is in this state now..
I'm sorry grandpa..I Love You..

broke down badly today....
sigh....

F1 is finally over..
That past few days were really tiring..
Being a captain and a bar maid at the same time ain't easy..
Have to get the order of drinks right..and getting my staff to work well..
All these work really drained all my energy out..
Thought i could actually have a good rest after F1..
But didn't noe that my grandpa would be admitted to the hosp,Again..
Was working on the last day of F1 when my sis msg me that grandpa was in hosp..
But i was really busy at work,i didn't have the time to look at my phone till late night.. And i started to worry a lot and cried..
I'm grandpa's lil fav..now that he is admitted to the hosp and yet i wasn't there at all..
Instead i was at the F1 workin..
Hated myself for that..if i read the msg earlier..at least i could be there with him when he was being sent to the hosp..
So stupid..

And now..tryouts is coming up..
Argh..i can never have a day of good rest..
How i wish i could just go somewhere to cry my hearts out and shout my lungs out..
I'm really exhausted..really..
But i'm really glad..that coach called and chatted with me..
Though it was only for that few mins..but her words made me feel much better..
Hmm..my eyes are closing for now alr..gonna get some sleep before i head for my tryouts tomorrow..hope i'm not distracted during tomorrow's training..good luck to myself..

Seems like he is just a few mor steps away from heaven..
He called grandma to ask us over to see him..
And when i first step into his room,tears just flowed down my cheeks uncontrollably..
Didn't know why..but it is just as hearbreaking to see someone whom you love in this state..
Two weeks ago..he was still on his wheelchair going around parts of Tiong Bahru,going window shopping and buying 4Ds..
Now,two weeks later..its so diff..
Not only is he lying on the bed..he is also having diapers on..and the way he talks..it seems so hard for him..so uncomfortable..and in such a pain..
He was crying badly..and that hurts me really a lot..
Though he is not a good husband..but he is a wonderful grandfather..
Now that he is in such a state..non of us can do anything either..
Sigh..i feel so sad for you,grandpa.. :(
Will try to spend more time with you these few days..
Just wanna spend your remaining days happily..
I Love You Grandpa..will pray for you every night....................

Things that seems to be mine suddenly seems to be gone..
Cheerleading..who might knows what will be the result..
Just because of my job..i missed out the whole week of trainings..
And i didn't get the time to inform coach or committee members..
My fault i know..How irresponsible..
Well..my cheerleading life has to end one day..
Seems like that "one day" has come faster than i thought..
I'll respect each and every decision that the committee and coach make..
Be it to stay or to leave..
And even if i were to leave..i'll never step into other teams..
It'll all start from Rexaz,and ends in Rexaz..
At least i get to remember the good memories..
Though it pains just to leave like that,i know i'll still have to follow Rexaz policy/rules made..
It wouldn't be fair to make a special exception just for me..coz it wouldn't be fair..
And Rexaz have to follow its rules and regulations so that people will respect it and not take it like its nothing..
Oh well..
It'll just all end here..full stop..

FYP IS FINALLY OVER!!!!
Its like a heavy load off my shoulder..haha..
But thinking of it..i still have my PP to complete..sigh..another big big project again.. :(
Can only blame myself for being lazy last sem..now i have to work extra hard unlike other people who can just slack now and wait for the second Fyp..

But its ok..i'm gonna graduate soon..so its worth every hard work that i have to put in..
And holiday is coming soon!!!
I can spend my time working and goingout with friends..
Enjoy myself for the 5 weeks holiday..
When sem 2 starts, i have to prepare myself for 2nd FYP!
And daddy is gonna help me pay for my TP..
I'm gonna take my license in Sem 2!!!
Another WooHoo thing..heh heh..
Cant wait for that man..

Imagine getting a license and getting myself car..
Can fetch my family,cass and her bf..and many other people whom i love..
It feels so shiok!!!
Having my loved ones in my car..
I promise myself that i'll work hard to provide my family the best i could ever give..
And hopefully having a bf who really cares for my family,bringing them out every weekends..
Oh my..i'm thinking so far when i haven even pass my first sem of this year..
haha..okok..gotta go now..playing pool with cass,ben and marcus in OCC now..
Sayonara!!!!

I got back my laptop!!!! :D
Superduperultraextremely happy!!!!!
Its been days since i not have my laptop with me..
Don't even have the mood to go sch to study..
No laptop in sch = boring shit for the whole day..

Oh well..i can finally update about my past few days..
haha..
hmm..
Anyway..yesterday was a killer day itself..
Went for fyp after sch and as usual,did not have my laptop back with me then..
Thus,have to use my team leader's laptop to use and do sketchup..
At around 7 plus..we left sch for chompang to buy materials to do smth..
And after which we went for dinner and head to cass's place to continue our fyp..
Did the work and all..all the way till 10.30 then we left..
Was super tired by then..luckily..my friend came to fetch me back from amk..haha..
Save me from all the trouble of going back home by myself..
haha..
And ya..after i wash up and all..i immediately k.o o my bed..and thats it..lol..

Oh ya..not forgetting our meet up last friday..with my sec sch friends..
It was really fun!!
Met up with them and headed for dinner in Iluma..
Though i didn't really eat..but we talked a lot of nonsense together..
And while they were eating..i took a lot of candid shots of them using jess's digi cam..
Haha..and most of the photos were me camwhoring..
Coz i wasn't really eating..so i have all the time to take the photos..haha..

yup..thats it..back to class and work!!!! see ya!!!!

We're drifting further apart now..
Ever since that coffeeshop incident..
I do not have the courage,neither do i dare to tell you anything..
Both of you are so close together..
I'm afraid you might just tell him anything..
And things will start to go wrong like last week..
Losing a boyfriend is not as bad as losing your best friend..
Losing Ryan made me cry for a few days..
But if i were to lose cass..i bet i'm gonna cry till my eyes goes popping out..
I dunno who is true to me and who is not..
Sigh..

Sometimes..i really dunno wat i should do..
Friends are saying their own buddies stuff behind their back..
Friends are hurting each other behind each other's back..
Be it friends,close friends or best friend..i dunno who else i should trust anymore..
Who on earth is the most faithful person..
I DUNNO!!

And all thanks to who..WILSON ONG!!!
FUCK YOU!!!! I believe in karma..
All these that happens to me is all because of you..
And i do believe that this will happen on you as well..
Trust me..you dun treasure your friends..you will lose them..
And i dun care whatever you are doing..just dun step on my tail and get me into deep shit..
Or karma will come finding for you..
And that is wat karma is......

Life was never easy since the day i was born...
But it totally sucks during these few days...
Tried so hard to get myself distracted by working my days off...
Sigh..i cried so much these three days..
Such that my eyes are always puffy when i wake up..
All because of one fucking guy..
You didn't even fucking use your bloody brain before you speak..
Please get your own girl in hands before you say me ok..
I think she's worst than me..

First..i'm not even any related to you..not even your fucking close friend..
What gives you the bloody right to say me this way..
Secondly,dun even care or kpoh abt my stuff if you cant even get your fucking girl in hand..
Third,which is the most important thing..improve your bloody character before you even try to criticise people..

And one thing for sure is..if you are gonna fucking continue this way..
i'll never consider losing you as a fren..because its not worth having such a friend like you..
In tis case..i rather we hate each other..
Because there's a fucker in Rp like you who always likes to gossip around like one fucking gu niang..
And when you really tio problems..you'll just fucking dig one hole and try to escape secretly..
This is called "coward"
"W _ _ _ _ _ the coward"
Get it??

oh well..there were disappointments and anger..all sorts of shit these three days..lucky i can control ir rather properly..
And its late now..gotta go sleep..didn't manage to get a good rest this week.. :) Goodnight!!!!

Totally occupied with stuff these few days..
In fact, i dun even have enough rest at all..
So hard to keep up with everything..
But i'm still trying..
Cheer training,Fyp,Friends,Family,Sec sch mates,Work and Sch..
So many things in one week..
and one day have only 24 hours..
How do i actually compromise with all?!?!
I dun even have the time to go for a normal meal..
Sigh..

Now that i do not have a bf anymore..
At least i do not need to commit into relationship and i can concentrate on what's more important..
And thats my studies..
Though i still miss him like "fuck"..i still have to carry on with my current life..
Cant afford to get myself stuck in this shit life and make ppl worry..
Especially people like cass..who is constantly worrying about me all the time..

ARGH...in class now..and lesson is so boring..gotta go do work alr..see ya!!

This weekend passed really fast..
And my mind have been thinking about lots of stuff..
Esp stuff about me and you..
Thinking back..i knew long ago that we wont last..
But i was trying all my efforts to go for it..
Just to make sure tt each and everyday could be wonderful for both of us..
And now that we've come this far..and ended..at least i know i did what i can and i did not regret whatever i've done..

For now..i just wanna carry on with my life and concentrate in my studies..
Enough of crying..enough of emo-ing..
I'll just try to occupy myself with as many things as possible so that i wont think of other stuff..

Oh well..even if we cant be together..
But hopefully we still can be friends..
Unless u still prefer to avoid me all the way..
*deep breathe*
A fresh new beginning tml again..
hmm..shall go sleep early today and hope for a better tml!! :D

finally..he replied my msg..
am really happy..
have no idea why he changed so much within two days time..
but i just now that as long as he is happy with this outcome,i'll just let it be..
oh well..super tired now..
just reach back home from outside,emo-ing..
might sounds stupid..
but during tt few hours that i went emo-ing..
he finally replied my msg..
sigh..cant say that i can forget him over a short period of time..coz i noe i cant..
but let time take its course ba..
it takes two hands to clap..
just let fate decide..

hmm..as usual..spent time with cass tgt again..
and yes..she accompany me to emo..
she even brought her bf along..
both of them so loving..
was a lil jealous seeing them so loving..
but at the same time..feel happy for them coz she's my good fren..and i just wan the best for her..
as long as she's happy with it,then i'm fine with it..

yawn..i'm sleepy now..
gotta go work ltr again at 11am..
and now its alr 5.39am!!
omgomg..shall go take a few hours nap now..
bye! goodnight..

oh well..i finally gather my courage to bring the topic up..
its heart breaking and i really dun wish to end like tt..
but then again..
he cant forget his ex..
and i dun wan to be his substitute..
it hurts when i found out a lot of stuff..
all by myself..
but luckily..cass was always there for me..
if not..i really dunno wat else to do..
he is the second guy that i treasure so much other than jo..
but it turns out like shit again..
it hurts..
it really does..
but cass told me last night that i shouldn't keep on holding on to it if he doesn't even wan this to go on..
how i wish he can tell me that he wants this relationship..
but he didn't..
i spoke each and every word from the bottom of my heart..but he didn't even try consoling me..
its disappointing..
sigh..
its all over now..
but then again..
he'll always be the second most important person that i ever loved..
love you,ryan..bye.. :(

Spent the whole day with cass today..
Went for dinner and to yishun dam after our fyp at 7.30pm..
Chatted and she even consoled me..really touched..
She might scold me,embarrassed me(sometimes)..
But never once did she ignore me or leave me alone..
No matter i'm happy or sad..she'll always be there for me..
I'm loving her mroe and more each day..more than my bf..
Its always said that best fren is better than bf..
Now i AGREE..
Its really nice having someone like her around..
Love you,cass.. :)

oh well..
today is the first month of me and ryan being together..
though didn't manage to spend the whole day with my hubby together,he still manage to spend tt last few hours of the night with me..

hmm..met up with cass tgt for the WCG in suntec convention hall..
and jason,my used-to-be faci was the one who invites us there..
the whole place was crowded with a lot of teen whom i presumed to be all gamers bcoz its a gaming event..
the funny thing was..
i participated in the Tactic Anthem and i got through the first round....ONLY..
haha..first time playing tt weird game..but fun though..

well..spend almost the whole day with cass..
its really nice to have her around me all the time..
always being there for me when i'm down..
really love her a lot..
of all things that i lose..i cant afford to lose such a fren like her.. :)

after the whole even thing..
i left ard 7 plus going 8..
and finally,i met my boy..
it was raining like FUCK!!!
fortunately,my bf drives and i dun have to go around in the rain which is a super good thing..lol!
hmm..spent some time with my boy before he fetch me back home..
before tt..i left a card in his car..
and he called me after he read what i wrote for him..
so embarrassing!!! but he said its sweet..heh heh..

anyway..gotta go back to do my fyp again..update again soon!!! :D
I LOVE CASS AND RYAN!!! <3

I'm so not in the mood to do anything now..
And oh great..i'm having gastric again..
Just wanna have a good sleep tonight..

For a moment in time..i was so afraid of losing him..
Sometimes when he gets angry..i've no idea how to make him happy..
Maybe i'm just pure stupid with all these..
Maybe i'm not good with words..
Maybe i'm not a good girlfriend for him..
But i'm really trying my very best to make things work out..
Trying my best to change to suit him..
Its just hard.. :(
I just hope that he understands how i feel..
All i need is that little understanding..

Sometimes i feel really bad to tell cass everything..esp all my probs..
Because each individual has their own problem..and i believe she has one too..
But seems like she is the only one whom i really confide into..
She's the only one who understands me in and out..
And i'm really glad to have such a good friend like her..
Thanks Cass..

Now that i've someone added to my life..
I hope that he can be someone like cass..
Hmm..
Few things i love about my boy..is that he will pamper and sayang me when i cry..
And he don't mind the long distance that he has to go just to fetch me all the way home..
From Yio Chu Kang to Harbour Front..sometimes even from Woodlands all the way home..
Well..that's the sweet part of him..
He even called me almost every night just to chat with me till i fall asleep..
But i disappoint him time and time again because i fell asleep even before he calls me..
For that..i'm really sorrry.. :(

From now onwards..i promise to change and make things work out well for both of us..
No matter what happens..i'll do my best..
Especially when our first month is reaching..
Cant wait for that day..
But one thing i hope for him to do is..not to scold me so fiercely again..
It really is scary..and sometimes his words do hurt me a lot..
And i'll end up crying in silence at times just to make sure he doesn't know i'm crying..because he'll worry..
Oh well..after all..which boyfriend doesn't worry about his girl??? :)

Hmm..after talking about all this..i just feel that the person i should thank most is my darling Cass..
Without her..i wouldn't even get to know my boy..
Without her..i wouldn't have grown so much..
Without her..i woudn't even have such a good sister like her..
Without her scolding me all the time..i wouldn't have woken up to my senses..
Without her..i wouldn't have gained so much..
Without her..i wouldn't be who i am today..
Without her..i'm just nothing but a piece of shit..
Because she's the only one who pick me up when i falls..
She's the only who bothers scolding me when i do wrong..
She's the only one who lend me a shoulder when i cry..
She's the only one who's heart will ache seeing me cry..
She's the only one who bothered to spend time to talk to me..
And most importanly..she's the only one who's always there for me 24/7..

Not forgetting the second important person..is my another good fren thasha..
Even though she didn't say much to me..
But as a good fren..i could see that she does care..
Just that she didn't wanna interefere with my life..
Sometimes she thinks that she has no right to say anything..
But as a matter of fact..she does..
Both thasha and cass have became the most important two in my life that,without them..i am not who i am today..
And this i promise..that i'll heed their advice from now on and never will i neglect them again over small things..
Nothing will ever change our friendship.. <3

I cant stand staying at home!!!!
Its so damn boring..
Dunno which kuku had H1N1 in my class..now my whole bloody class got the quarantine shit..
And i have to stay home facing the four walls..
Daily Routine man..
Guess by the time i goes back to school..i'd have become a retarded freak..
Rawr..i wanna go back to sch..to meet cass for break..to meet my fellow classmates..and for cheerleading!!!!

These few days have been a great day..with him around by my side..
Hours spent together with him is not a lot..but i'm contented..
Holding his hands,walking pass those many shops,sitting in the car,driving through many streets,etc..
As long as i know that he'll always be by my side,and i'm really happy..
Sometimes i do make him angry..and he will flare at me..
For that..Im sorry..
But when i cry..he will sayang me and clean my tears away..
Thats how sweet he is to me.. :)
I've never regret knowing him..
Having such a lovable boy with me all the time..
Calling me every night before i goes to sleep..
Saying I Love You each time before we hung the phone up..
And the sweetest thing is..he drives me ard and back home no matter how inconvenient,late or far it is for him..
Thats why i love him..
And there will nv be a time when this love will fade away..
I Love You my DeArEsT Ryan BoY <3

it really do..and i dun like it at all..

Many things happened during camp..
and i could still rmb it vividly..
it happens so fast..
yet..
image are still running repeatedly up in my mind..
its hard to bring myself back to my feet..
but i manage to cope well with it..
like wat my frens hav said..
"do not let this affect your whole team"..
it makes sense and i really tried puttin a fake look in front of everyone..
at least they wont worry much abt me..
i felt so bad making everyone worry and they tried diff ways to make me smile and move on..
its hard i can say..
but with rexaz motivation and encouragement..
i did it well..
oh well..thanks to the lovey dovies in rexaz that i manage to pull through the hard times..
Thank you people..

Cheryl is simply Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired Tired !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

went out to chill out with few of my frens just now..
crest,darren,aldrich,marcus,james and jeffrey..
bunch of jokers..
they had dinner in cwp pastamania..
and joked a lot till my tummy was actually aching..
haha..
den after tt went to chill in STARBUCKS..
continued with our jokes..
so basically was enjoying and relaxing myself for the whole day..
finally got a day off for myself to relax..
grr..
oh well..but these people are the ones who kept me going though..
unfortunately,my bestbest couldn't make it coz he had smth on..
hmm..after which..my dad came to fetch me!!!!

and oh!!
had been few days since i spend my breaks with my cass :(...
had to do my ppt and all..
miss the time where we use to go out to smoke and eat..
nowadays seems to be so busy.. :(
hope to have the time spent with cass more....

ok..thats it for today!! sleeping time!!!!

kinda drained out by today's training..
bruises are starting to appear once again..
but its all worth it..
no matter how tired i am or how much i wanna give up..
there were always rexaz people who kept me going..
Esp ppl like James,Aldrich and MOST IMPORTANTLY.....my BESTBEST ALAN!!!!!
oh well..James and Aldrich are both my juniors who just entered rexaz family not long..
they went to read through my blog and they encourage me to stop smoking..
haha..
James even bought me a box of Strawberries to encourage me today!!
Sweet uh..haha..thanks JAMES..
And Aldrich that bird..he's damn funny in way..like counselling me to quit smoking..lol..
but ya..thanks as well..
now comes to the most important person..
my BESTBEST ALAN..
no matter wat happens,he'll never fail to be my listening ear no matter how late or early the night is..
and thats wat makes him special..
The One And Only Bestest Fren I Could Find!!! :D
oh well..now..rexaz seems to be such an important thing in my life..
its really my "family" now.. :)
and thanks ppl..for everything tt you guys have done!!!
Love You All!!! <3

these few days had been a tiring day for me..
many things had happened..
and i'm really very tired to do anything now..
fortunately,there are rexaz people who kept me going all these while..
and i'm really glad..
oh well..
just reach home not long..
gonna go bathe and sleep alr!!!
goodnight..

If you both don't ever understand me,den dun ever try to be clever and assume that you both noe everything..
I hate it when both of you try to act smart and say thing that will hurt me..
But i guess the both of you dunno right??
Ya,i agree that sometimes you both are the best,but that are times when both of you are like FUCK SHIT,get me??
And both of you must be damn happy that i'm crying uh..
Maybe thats wat the both of you wanted all along..
And i hate you!!!!
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

oh..forgotten to show this photos!!
taken during SLA fiesta and AGM!!!

omg..
promised myself to quit smokin by cheerobics..
but i failed to do so..
disappointing..
dunno when i'll be able to quit smoking..
but i'll keep trying..
and my sis!!!
she borrowed money from me to pay for her ez-link concession..
coz she spent away the money mummy gave her for the concession..
dumbass..
now i have given her all my money and i'm currently BROKE!!!
have to feed on bread these few days already..oh poor me..sigh..
anyway..have uploaded a few photos these few days..
just that i didn't have the time to upload it here..
and there you go!!! :D



few retarded people spends ten over dollars just to get "bai ban"..haha..

omgomg..this is really cool though i have no idea who's bike this belongs to..

yirong,jasmine and me!!! love these two girls a lot!!!

its been so long since i've blog Blog BLOG!!!
and everyday has been a busy day!!!
school,cheer,work,family...
on going for sooo sooo long!!! omgomg..
tatally have no time for myself at all..
and now that i've finished my rj..
i'm gonna sleep alr..
really very tired..
very very tired..
goodnight..

shouldn't have eaten oranges at all..
knew that i'm allergic to orange..but temptations just cant be resisted..
sigh..its really itching all over..
and clinics are alr closed by now..
if nt i could just go for an injection..

argh..anyway..bro is back from bangkok alr..
and he bought us some stuff back..but i'm too tired too go look at it now..
just wanna have a good sleep for now..
gotta wake up at 6.30am..
but i'm still right here typing my way through..
kinda having insomnia..
jut couldn't sleep..
and worst of all..with my rashes,its even harder to sleep!!!
gosh..

its really very uncomfortable.. :( hopefully my skin wouldn't peel off from my scratching..
sob!!!
I SWEAR NO MORE ORANGES FOR ME ANYMORE!!!!!

basically have nothing to blog today..
but oh well..
going for a hair cut ltr!!!!
cant wait for it!!
muahaha...
bangs are so adorable!!!!!

oh well..
had SLA Fiesta perf today..
and i didn't do well though..
sprain my stupid ankle again during one of the jumps and fell on the ground..
awful..
and it hurts big time now..
but i have to endure..
now that its all over..
i can finally take this time to allow my ankle to heal..
oh my oh my..
grr..now my tummy is feeling bad!!!!
so uncomfortable luh..burning so hot!!! :(
gonna get ice water to drink..
ciao!!!

dun ever give me such a sudden shock anymore..
the reason why i dun wanna accept anyone is because i'm not mentally prepared at all..
and the nick on my msn is only a song title..

i was with my parents when you called and told me that..
and i was damn shock for that period of time..
didn't noe wat else to do..
wat else to say..
but i noe one thing is..i'm sorry..
not now...
its not the right time yet..
and you've seriously freak me out..

do you noe by saying all these..it'll only drift us apart..
its really too sudden for me to take this blow..
maybe not for you..but for me..
it really is..
and i dunno wat to do..
you're my fyp team leader..
do you noe that it does affect out work by doing this?

i noe i sound useless..
but its just me..
i cant face it..
and thats why i chose not to face it..
so pls..don't ever do tt again.......
Sorry..

oh well..
its coming to the second week of sch now..
i feel that the past one week of sch has been very very long..
and adding on with all those problematic stuff..its even worse..
but i'm trying really hard to get over it..
be it friendship probs,family,etc..
i mean..its hard to get over everything..
but at least try to be a lil happy so that people ard wont be worried..
yup..
days are hard to pass by now..
sigh..
and i'm like freaking hungry now..grr..
but there's not much stuff at home for me to munch on..
gonna sub the hunger by sleeping i suppose..
hope it works..
ohwell..gtg now..bye!

ARGH!!!!
today is the forth day of school and i'm having headaches alr..
damn it..
and i'm losing my appetite again!!!
oh well..gtg now..have to start work alr..
cheerios!!

Oh well..today we had our fyp meeting once again..
and as usual..
still late..
not me!! well..i was the earliest..
and the lastest always stays the lastest to reach..
didn't have the mood for that meeting today coz i noe its gonna be a wasted trip..
but since thay wanted it..so i went..
and the fact is..i'm the injured one..and yet i can reach the earliest..
i have no idea luh..just feel like not one of the weeks will be the week where all will come on time..
so why do i even make the bloody effort to come down all the way with my injured ankle and see everyone like tt..
i'm wondering how will this fyp team even work out if everyone is like tt..
its just the first few weeks and almost everyone is late..
so what makes me think that in future no one will be late..no one will absent himself/herself..
sigh..dunno luh..i'm just rather moodless today..and saying wat i wan to say here..
oh well..i'm starting to stone all over again..
staring at my lappy..............................................

omgomg..
i'm still in my dreamland..
but seems like i dun even have time for my own nowadays..
once i wake up every morning..i have to bathe and start to change and go out..
like now...
argh..
and my ankle is hurting like nobody business..
Yawn!!!
i have a lot of things to say..
but no time to blog..
so..cheerios!!! till i blog again!!!

i'm so tired..
even after long hours of rest today..
i'm still tt lethargic..
my mum calls me a PIG..
Y-A-W-N
Goodnight again..

oh gosh..image of peanutella is back again..
but too bad..i have no bread to go with it..rawr...
so hungry..
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

April 29th............
28 more days to 29th...
It'll be my beloved friend,Yuan Xiang's 1st year Death Anniversary......
I can still remember vividly the day when she passed away..
I was still having my wanton noodles at the coffeeshop opp skl...
Gosh..tears are rolling down my cheeks again..
How regretful i felt..how depressed i am....
The feelings are back...

Was actually sleeping when i dreamt of her..and now...awake to blog this in..
Is it a sign??
Is it a sign from her to tell me its her death anniversary..
Last year..i didn't manage to send her off..
I suppose it'll be the same this year again..
Well..the only thing i could do is to go to the nearest sea to write a note to her in a bottle and let it float away from the sea..
Hope the note can be received by her..
Oh gosh..Yuan Xiang..i really do miss you..
Wonder where you are right now??
Want you back so badly... :'(
So many things to tell you..........

Sigh......

Oh gosh!!!
Having gastric now..
Thanks to myself for not eating..
Sigh...
Argh!! It hurts..
:(((((((

Went out with Cass,Thash and Greg in the afternoon..
Oh well..supposed to meet at 1pm..
But cass and thash were late..
And the worst thing is..darling Thasha was late for almost two hours!!!!
lol..guess she's really tired..
Anyway..went to the SAM today..
And we found out that it was actually F-O-C!!!
Haha..so..we went in..went to view the history of singapore,fashion design,etc...
Took quite a number of photos..
Now waiting for cass to upload and send it to us only..heh..
Oh oh!! there was this security in the museum keep saying "excuse me,you cannot do this..excuse me,you cannot do that"
Like OMGOMG!!!! so damn effing irritationg!!!!
like SCREW YOU!!!!

heh..opps..going vulgar soon..
lol..*slap slap*..
Well..everything went well today..
Just that i felt something was missing..
Missing in the three of us..
Like we're no longer the same..
But i have no idea whats that..
sigh...
Hope things will go back as it is when school starts..
anyway..cheerios!!! dun b disheartened by that Cheryl!!! they are your bestest frens!!!! :D
heh!!! must learn to be optimistic..keke..!!!
Rawr..
i'm hungry now..but i dun feel like eating..omgomg..
wat to do!!!!

Finally..
after few days of rotting at home..
i'm going out again..
with my fyp team mates..
to SAM..
well..sounds kinda boring..but at least its much better than R-O-T-T-I-N-G at home!!
yoo hooo!!!! out i go!!! BYE!!

我该觉得高兴还是烦恼？
我真的不知如何是好。
每当要把你给忘了时，你就会出现。
难道我就没其他方法把你给忘了吗？
好烦阿！！！
我讨厌你！！！

:((((((((((((

hmm..bought peanut butter and nutella this afternoon..
life's kinda boring at home..
so i did a stupid thing..
spreaded peanut butter on a slice of bread and nutella on the other..
after which i put both piece together and ate it..
well..tot it was kinda disgusting(due to the way i spread the p.b and nut)..
but it ended up tasting quite nice!!!
maybe i'm too hungry..
but i'm gonna do tt again now!!!! hungry!!!!
YUMMY!!! will call tt..........PEANUTELLA!!!

no work,no school,no training..
life sucks..
and i'm spending most of my time outside spending my money away..
gosh..
while my ankle is still hurting..i'm still on my shopping spree..
gotta settle my ankle asap before the next performance..
rawr..
going downstairs to smoke now..

oh well..my ankle hurts..
probably hurt myself during work..
carried too many heavy stuff..
but i'm not sure whether its just a small injury or is it a sprain..
when i took my first step..it'll always hurt..like many many pins pokin..
but soon after tt..its just normal kinda pain..
argh..now its aching again..
damn it!!!

Because of you..i once felt that i was the most fortunate girl in the world..
Because of you..i was once happy..
Because of you..i once teared..
Because of you..i was once angry..
Because of you..i was once lost..
Because of you..i once felt inferior..
Because of you..i was once jealous..
And now because of you..i don't even have the courage to love again anymore..

I tried giving you whatever that you like..
Making you things that were DIY..
Using my heart in everything i do..
But you never once appreciated it..
Even when you said "thank you" or that three words..
It doesn't even seems to come from the bottom of your heart..but just a way which u think that can make me happy..
Yes,it somehow did make me happy by hearing those words..
But deep down..i know things that what i've done will never last for more than a day in your heart and mind..

Right now..there's someone who cares for me more than you do..
And he even sent me all the way back home..
Drew stuff for me and even laminated it..
Efforts..and sincerity that came deep down from his heart..
All this is what i need..
And yet..its not even from you..
He knows how to cherish me more than you..

But then..its all because of you and thats why i'm in such a dilemna..
Its all because of you..and now i am unsure of what i should do or what i should not..
He's really a nice guy..but i dun wish to give him a chance..just to substitute you..
Which is totally unfair to him..
Really hope i can forget the past and move on with my life..
I'm forgetting you a lil each and everyday right now..
And i hope that you will never come into my life ever again..
So that i can just live my life that i should be living all along..
Be myself..Be who i am..and not let the past affect my future anymore..
So..here i am..putting a full stop to everything..

就这样子，我在我们俩之间挂上了句号。
从此再也不会对你有任何的感情，任何的感觉。
也许这是对我来说最好的解决方式吧。
从此看到对方，就当作从来都没有任识过，从来都没见面过，完全是陌生人。
再见了。。。。。。

Finally woke up..
Cant believe that everything is over now.
Its so fast.
All the effort we put in.
Perspiration,tears,joy,even injuries.
Has finally paid off by the few trophies we won yesturday.
All thanks to our Lovely Coach Audrey.
Who spent days and nights just to train just and bring us to who we are today.
Not just a cheerleader,but a winner as well.

We've made Coach Audrey proud.
We've made Maxtreme proud.
We've made our supporters proud.
We've made those people who loved us proud.
And most importantly,We've made OURSELVES proud!!!

Looking back,there were ups and down through this whole route that we have to go through.
And it was our endurance,determination,peers support that brought us this far.
Everything has been worthwhile since the day i joined Rexaz.
And i've never regretted being in Rexaz though some people did not really approve of me joining cheerleading as an IG.
Instead, I LOVE REXAZ more than ever.

Thank You people,Thank You Coach Audrey,last but not least,Thank You Rexaz!!!

Gosh..i spent almost 40mins to wash off my make up and my hair that is so stiff that it wouldn't even be affected if there's a tornado..
Finally..i can now sit down and start blogging which i think it'll be a super duper ultra long one coz i've many many things to blog about for today..


Well..we made our way to skl at aound 6.30am today..
Its super early and its was basically raining..
So ya..had to cab to skl and reached skl at around 6.40am..
Thats when we started to do our warm ups and stretching before we start to do our routine..
But with that rainy weather,everyone was just looking so lethargic..as though they played majong through the night..lol..
Anyway..that wasn't the main thing..
The thing is..we looked so relaxed..as though it isn't cheerobics day today!!!
Heh..its a good thing though..
Because it really calm me down a lot..
Frankly speaking..i was quite scared since few days ago..not because we cant do it..
But i just have no faith in myself to do a perfect routine on competition ground..

Hmm..we started tying our hair in W14E and guess wat..coach and her frens were the ones who tied the hair for us..
It looked really cool!!!
Heh..after which,there was a video montage shown to everyone of us..
And the video was made by Coach and Kenneth..
Its really sweet and touchin that i cried..
But part of the reason is because i'm afraid that we'll disappoint her once again..
Thoughts of the past just suddenly ran through my mind while watchin the movie..
Those joys that we had,and the amount of punishment that we had to do..(its really scary..esp those push-ups,runnings,reflections and staying under the sun..)
But now i feel that its all worth it!!!!!


.......We reach Zouk carpark at around 10am..started to stone there and rots till it was 11.30am when we had to do dry run of the routine..
As usual..slack,Slack and SLACK..
Slack all the way till it was 2 plus when the whole event officially starts..
During those period of time..coach was praying for us to do well..

And ya..the three co-ed groups including maxtreme did super well..
It was really a job WELL DONE..
heh..
Finally when its our 12 girls team turn..
My hand began to tremble..
But from where i stand..
I could see my mummy standing there cheering me on..
As a matter of fact,mummy dun really approve of me joining cheerleading..
And now that i can actually see her there,all the more i should just do my best to show her that i can do it..
So..we rah rah-ed our way in and stood in our positions..
And the routine song was played..
For the whole 2mins 30secs..all the stunts went up and it was so neat!!!!
Like OMGOMG..so different when we first started out to do the whole routine..
All thanks to coach audrey and the other maxtreme people who were always there for us..
Making us from a nothing to who we are today..
I'm really glad that i didn't make my choice of quitting earlier on in the start of my second year..

Last but not least,prize presentation..
That was when all of us,Maxtreme and Rexaz people started to hold hands and hope for the best..
And this was the results..
Champion Girls Co-ed : Maxtreme
2nd runner up (girls co-ed) : Sparkles
1st runner up (co-ed) : Kungfu Rexaz
1st runner up (Team) : Rexaz 12 girls
For each and every category of the prizes..we get to win one back each..
And its like..so UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
But its really ours..
The hard work,perspiration,tears and everything we put in..
Has finally proved us something..
And that is..we are all winners..
I'm really proud to be part of Rexaz..
Guess its the best gift we can ever give coach Audrey before she leaves Rexaz..

Oh well..everyone cried when we received the trophies..
Tears of joy!!!
:)
After which,we headed to Tiong Bahru for Mac because everyone was hungry and the nearest place we can go to is Tiong..
Yup..chatted there while eating..resting our legs as some of their legs are aching badly..
And then of course..headed back home at ten plus..

Yawn..
For now..no more nightmare,no more running,no more reflections,no more push ups,no more OUT,but only SLEEP!!!
Heh..goodnight!!!

Cool shit!!!
Ended training super early today..
Even though our performance is not yet up to expectation..
At least i personally feel that it was much better than yesdae in our spirits wise..
Everyone was kinda high..maybe..
But i noe mine was especially high today..
Dunno why..but it just somehow comes out within me..
Heh..
Though we had to run quite a lot today..
The running didn't even dampen our spirits any single bit..
And yes!!! I'm really Happy!!!
Woo Hoo..
Finally can sleep more today!!!